The Real Steps to Packet Mix Baking

I’ve been restless all day. I finally decided to watch Bones and bake some apple cinnamon muffins from a packet mix. I know. I use packet mix. Call the CWA on me and have me beheaded.

 

I started off by reading the instructions. Immediately, I started laughing because eating the batter and by extension, licking the bowl, is apparently off limits now.

Dudes. Licking the bowl is half the reason I occasionally get baked bake.

Hmm. 4 Steps. No. There are more than 4 steps. I hereby provide you with The Real Steps to Packet Mix Baking:

 

1. Decide if you want to bake. There’s a lot to it.
2. Put oven on random temperature.
3. Wonder if you have an egg.
4. Find egg.
5. Find the stuff to bake with.
6. Wash the stuff to bake with.
7. Find a tea towel.
8. Wonder why the tea towel smells kinda funky.
9. Realise you’ll need a measuring cup and you forgot to wash this in step 4.
10. Wash measuring cup.
11. Find out you own three sizes of patty cake/muffin wrappers and wonder why you own them.
12. Then wonder what the difference is between the sizes? Is it magic or chemistry that makes the size important?
13. Does size matter?
14. Rip at the batter mix to try and open it. Because you can’t just go find the scissors. That’s effort.
15. Dump the batter mix into the still damp mixing bowl.
16. Crack egg.
17. Spill parts of the egg guts on the floor as you put the shell in the bin.
18. Dribble water on the floor as you fill the 1/4 cup measuring cup three times to add water to the mix.
19. Realise you’re using a plastic spatula rather than a wooden spoon. Wonder again about the magic vs chemistry of baking.

    

20.  Wonder what “just combined” means.
21. What if some parts aren’t mixed?
22. Is there a difference between combined and mixed?
23. Wizards. There are definitely wizards involved in baking.
24. Realise the apple sachet has no rippy bits.
25. Wonder where scissors are.
26. Find scissors in bathroom.
27. Inspect scissors for hair.
28. Snip the packet as directed. Not cut. Snip.
29. Start to fill the oven tray with 2/3 apple, then realise it says to mix it into the batter.
30. Slowly dribble apple into batter.
31. Get bored dribbling and smoosh the entire apple sachet contents into the batter.
32. Stir non gently.
33. Start to fill muffin tin
34. Wonder how anyone does this without spilling batter across the counter.

    

35. Manage to put tray in oven without burning self.
36. Lick. Lick the bowl. Lick the spoon you were just spooning with. Lick the spatula that isn’t a wooden spoon.
37. Dump the bowl in the sink with some water in it, totally intending to clean it later.
38. Turn on computer, having been making jokes in your head the whole time. You realise you need to blog this.
39. Start typing.
40. The 15min oven timer goes off.
41. Follow the instructions carefully and lightly touch one in the centre to see if it’s cooked.

    

42. Cry that your muffin isn’t bouncy yet.
43. Sit back down to keep blogging.
44. Set a timer for 7mins on your phone, because your oven gets confused by any time under 10mins.
45. Wait 7mins.
46. Jump when phone starts making noises at you.
47. Step over dog and go to oven.
48. With the fear of the previous muffin-fingering-gone-wrong experience in the back of your head, lightly finger another muffin.
49. Cheer when your muffin is bouncy.
50. Pull muffins out of oven without burning yourself.
51. Celebrate that you haven’t burnt yourself yet.
52. Ignore dirty dishes and eat muffins.

 

4 steps? 4 steps! No. 52 steps. And this is only a packet mix!! What if I was a hardcore homemaker and I had to bake it all myself. I mean, flour, sugar, butter…I’m estimating baking from scratch would take at least 750 steps.

 

Tell me, am I going to CWA jail for making a packet mix? Do you use packet mixes?

 

P.S. Betty, I really do love you. You’re yummy and easy.

P.P.S. I think my P.S. sounded dirty.

P.P.P.S. Do the CWA have a packet mix competition? I would KICK ASS in that competition.

P.P.P.P.S. Do people die often from raw-egg muffin-batter-eating complications?