Things have been a little quiet around here. Basically, I’m exhausted. I have a few weeks with no work between contracts and I feel like I’ve crashed. My motivation has gone out of the window, I’m lethargic and I kind of feel like I’m waiting to get sick (as you sometimes do when you’ve been hellishly busy or stressed and then stop).
But at the same time, all the things I’ve had to do all year long – like job hunt every single day – are no longer needed (because yay, I was offered a full time 1 year contract).
2014 has been hard. Damn hard. I have had lots of good things happen but I’ve also had a lot on my plate on the daily slog of looking for work and being severely under-employed (with the financial and mental strain that comes with that). As well as things I don’t blog about much (because it’s boring) such as my husband’s health issues and fight for a diagnosis (which we have happily made a small bit of progress on in the past few weeks).
I’ve had a constant feeling like I have to be doing something – only I don’t. Right now the only obligation I have is my study (which I’m a little behind on). I feel like I’m retraining my brain to relax because it has forgotten how to. And that’s why it has been quiet around here. I’m not giving up blogging, because I love it, but a break just needed to happen, unplanned – not so much from blogging but from everything. Pretty much all I’ve done for the past two weeks is watch Stargate.
Somewhat stupidly, I feel guilty by this. After all, I “should” be using time off to plot and plan and organise for next year. Should. Who invented that? Should, my ass.
The past week and a bit I felt just so utterly ordinary. I was on an extreme autopilot. Maybe that’s how I’ve coped with 2014 in large part – shut down, be a bit numb and get it all done. Then yesterday I just felt better. Nothing had changed. I think it just took me that long to realise that I CAN change what has been going on, I will finally have a stable income in 2015 and that, geez, I can fucking relax.
I’ve been considering going away for a night, just for a visual & mental break. But then I think “Oh, save that money you’d spend now for next year and you can spend a weekend in Sydney or Melbourne with friends”. Because I am the queen of over thinking and making sure every cent is used efficiently. If there is such a thing. I should probably stop typing this post and just go book a night away somewhere.
I guess the negative part of having a husband at home all the time who can’t drive is that if I’m home, he’s home. I can probably count the minutes on one hand that I’ve had at home alone this year. Or for a couple of years. It’s a good thing we’re fantastic friends as well as partners! But it does make it hard to have a break or time to yourself. Hence the night away. The funny thing is, I had been thinking this for a week, and then he told me I should go away for a night to relax. I hadn’t said a word. Damn mind-reading husbands 🙂
And that’s me, recently. I don’t know when I’ll blog more again. Maybe I’ll just write for December and not blog? Then again, I wasn’t even planning to write this, and here we are…
How have you been?