After reading Packing Light and blogging about it, I was scoping the author’s website and reading this post. What struck me was completely off the topic of most of what that blog post was even about; rather it was in the ways I’ve found myself creating.
I don’t know why, but I have a block on myself about creating at home. I don’t want to record videos, talk blogging, or talk to myself (to get it transcribed into a book or blog posts later) at home. I don’t feel comfortable doing so.
I Need My Own Bubble
I spent a while at the beach once, talking to myself (recording), getting a lot of what is* the rough draft of a book out. It needed to come out. It’s similar to Packing Light and some other books I’ve read in the past year, but at the same time, oh-so different in how I view it, how I feel about it and the gaps I feel that it plugs in my own interpretation of the world.
What Is A Bubble?
I need creative space. I don’t feel like I have that. This is an awkward outcome of my life situation; that I don’t ever, ever get time at home alone. I need that. Even if we’re both at home, I know someone else is in the house, even if we’re happily in different rooms, working on different things. I need there to be no one around to create. I need a bubble. I need a soundproof bubble. I don’t want a room next to each other, or next to a lounge, or kitchen. I need a bubble.
Why Am I Uncomfortable?
What am I not owning here? If I can be honest, I’m disturbed by myself that I’m not comfortable doing these things unless I’m 100% at home. It’s not like my husband isn’t creative (his talents lie in music), so it’s not even like I have a partner who doesn’t understand.
I think it’s a bit similar to me not liking open plan offices because everyone can hear your work phone calls. I just don’t feel comfortable working that way. I was intensely (negatively, obviously) influenced when I was quite young by what I can see as an adult to be someone who has/had undiagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I cannot work with people looking over my shoulder. It stems from a deep lack of trust, even when I know there is no judgement or harassment. I came across NPD by accident one day many years ago, while I was trawling the internet, and it clicked. All the symptoms and signs of NPD fitted the person who influenced me 100%. All the resultant small things I have, like being unable to deal with people looking over my shoulder.
How Do I Deal? (Should I Deal?)
Is there anything inherently wrong with needing a bubble to create? I don’t think so. And I’ve never spoken to a professional about this, because while I don’t like things like working in open plan offices, I’ve also done it a lot and well. Most offices are like that, and I am very used to it. It doesn’t cause me trauma, it’s just not my preference.
*It was hard to write “what is the rough draft of a book”. That is what I first wrote, and nearly backspaced it and wrote “What will be the first draft of a book”. I’m not judging myself that right now, I can’t pay to get it transcribed. The ideas still exist and have been expressed, therefore IT IS the first draft of a book.
Do you have a bubble? Show me what it looks like on social media with the hashtag #NNMyBubble