You’d think this is sponsored, but no. Why Kmart? Well, I don’t really like being at the shops at any time, but especially not leading up to Christmas. Kmart (and Woolies and Coles) are the only shops I can easily access any evening in the week when it’s likely to be quiet and happily lacking in people. Yay for 9pm close times!
An Extremely Lazy Kmart Last Minute Gift Guide
So lets get started!! I didn’t want to use photos from the Kmart website so I’ve used my amazing skillz as an arteest to represent the products.
For: A gift for all
You could get a green floor cushion for $10. Because nothing says “welcome to my home” than a “sit the fuck on the floor, we have no space for you”:
A not-really-that-customisable-but-decently-sarcastic lightbox for $19.
A lightbulb to brighten everyone’s day for $2.50.
A metal chair for $15. Not to be used for making unwanted guests sit outside during summer storms.
An insulated jug for $15. Not for water, but for use in place of wine or champagne glasses on the Christmas table. This helps protect against family members who like to yell opinions at you. Note: may not help with either your health, ability to resist vomiting or your ability to not reply to family members.
A steam iron for $29. (You’d think I’m being deliberately obnoxious here about gender stereotyped gifts, but literally in my household I’ve never used an iron and my husband used to use one all the time.
Rotating sparkly balls for $25. I cannot make a clean joke here.
A not-polariod-polaroid in pink for $88. To take photos with.
A 14 foot trampoline for $249. Because I want a freaking trampoline.
An inflatable unicorn for $25. Because I’ve seen enough movies to know that popping the back of a raft makes it go faster.
A not-polaroid-polaroid in blue for $88. Because I’m not fucking with gender stereotypes.
For: Who Cares?
A two piece luggage set for $89. For when you want to buy American Tourister cases because pretty, but can’t afford them.
A cheese board for $12 for wimps who don’t put much cheese on their cheeseboards.
A neck massager for $25. For prostitute robots from the future (let me know if you get that joke).
You can buy them a woven ice cream cone for $9 so that they never forget to stop asking you for ice cream every 30 seconds this whole summer.
A folding laundry trolley for $25. Because it’s both useful, and if you buy two, you can race them against your kids. Or someone’s kids.
And remember, I have FREE sarcastic gift tags for you to download and use!
Ok, I pretty much should have just titled this “ways you can mis-use laundry equipment”.
What is your tactic for avoiding people pre-Christmas? Do you have a shop you can go to on weekday evenings when it’s quieter?
29 Replies to “An Extremely Lazy Kmart Last Minute Gift Guide”
Bahaha love it!
Oh this is gold, love this post! I enjoyed the laugh. My son bought this hover ball at Kmart last week for just $10 and it is awesome! So much fun to be had. http://www.kmart.com.au/product/remote-control-hover-ball/781889
Oh I saw those and was so tempted haha.
Cracker of a post! And the pictures, gold!
My skills can never be lived down haha.
When we were at mall the other day, the shop assistant told us that the shops are open til midnight some nights before Christmas! I feel so sorry for the peeps who work in retail because it’s like armageddon out there! I love K-Mart and your one stop shop. The pictures are pure gold!
I can barely stand to be in the shops for 5mins to pick something up – I don’t know how retail workers do it!
Oh Ness, thanks so much for the LOLs … I was piddling myself by the time I got to the sparkly balls. Oh, and I love the line about prostitute robots from the future. BERNARD … Bernard … Bernard … Bernard … Bernard … I’m a prostitute robot from the future!!! You’re my kind of people Ness x
visiting from #team IBOT X
Such a good episode! The wine 🙂
That is a seriously tiny cheese board. And the rotating balls… ?!?! x
I know! Who has that lack of commitment to cheese?!
Gold. It wouldn’t have been the same with pics from the kmart website. Thanks for your fabulously amusing drawings!
You’re welcome! My lack of skills are available any time haha.
I love, love , love this. I’m tempted to get some of these and stick your descreptions on it…
Haha I want photos if you do! 🙂
Sparkly BALLS! He he he. Just laughed out loud.
Well if they’re not sparkly, what’s the point?! 🙂
Great list (and drawings). I would love a trampoline as well! AND a unicorn to take down to the ocean (well, the low tide puddles before the ocean, cos…. sharks) to float about on!
Ooh yes, you could have your very own ocean-corn!
Tears streaming down my face. Lol! Your wit knows no bounds Ness! You had me at sparkling rotating balls … and those drawings – priceless!
It’s a good thing that I never improved in art class at school!!
Loving your suggestions Ness. Who said you can’t draw? 😉 #TeamLovinLife
Haha I should use this blog post as an application to an artist school 🙂
That’s hysterical. And those drawings … LOL, The balls! LOL. The metal chair. OMG. And my favourite ” Because nothing says ‘welcome to my home’ than a “sit the fuck on the floor, we have no space for you”: ROFL
OMG chairs are really hard to draw haha! I was actually trying with that one! No wonder it turned out worse 🙂
PS: Best. Christmas. Gift. Post. EVER.
Nawww, thank you!
This is the best Xmas Gift Guide I have ever read! I am coughing my guts up – only because I am sick and you have made me laugh too much. Your artistic talents astound me! Now excuse me while I uncross my legs and bolt for the loo! TMI – cos of TML which caused TMC. Hope you can work that out! haha #TeamLovinLife