I have a love hate relationship with retail. I don’t like stores and crowds, but I love the utter crap they try to sell you as critically needed. Or how to use it. Or when to use it. FFS marketing, most of us have a brain cell and can choose for ourselves. Anyway, the upside to this stuff that bugs me is SO MUCH material I can mock. Which is what I do on Instagram often. So I’ve curated (bahahaa, copied and pasted) the best of for 2017 into one handy blog post for your enjoyment.

 

Things That Retail Made Weird In 2017

 

 

Riiigghttt. Good sign @colessupermarkets What is a deleted sock? Is that like when the washing machine eats socks? Are these deleted ones predisposed to be eaten by washing machines? I have so many questions!

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 27, 2017 at 2:00am PDT

 

Really IKEA? Fun? I think you have a bad sense of fun.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 21, 2017 at 5:48pm PDT

 

Anywhere??! Cool, new thing to do on my commute.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 13, 2017 at 1:09am PDT

 

Isn’t it thriftier to not spend $25 on a flipping piggy bank?!

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 13, 2017 at 12:59am PDT

 

Glue is both not a chemical and an inexpensive chemical. SCHRODINGERS ANT TRAP!

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 13, 2017 at 12:57am PDT

 

I kind of want these. It’s slightly sadistic that you’d end up rubbing part of Santa’s head away ?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 13, 2017 at 1:15am PDT

 

Also good for an emergency trach ..

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 17, 2017 at 1:18am PDT

 

Bloody hipster barrel seats. #uncomfortable

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Sep 15, 2017 at 4:00pm PDT

 

It’s almost as if we don’t need medicine…

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 17, 2017 at 1:13am PDT

 

Do the glow in the dark hands make it L-O-U-D-E-R?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 17, 2017 at 1:12am PDT

 

IKEA has the strangest stuff.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Sep 15, 2017 at 4:33pm PDT

 

How on earth is this “out of sight”? I think I’d rather just see the toilet rolls, frankly.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Jun 29, 2017 at 1:09am PDT

 

Apparently for Mother’s Day, you need something that vibrates.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on May 27, 2017 at 6:48pm PDT

 

One drop probably caused it too.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on May 12, 2017 at 7:48pm PDT

 

A whizz mat just makes me think of something else…

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on May 12, 2017 at 7:38pm PDT

 

WHERE ARE YOU PULLING IT FROM?!

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Jun 29, 2017 at 1:13am PDT

 

Why?!

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Jan 6, 2017 at 5:03pm PST

 

The sun & glow in the dark fake rocks are NOT FUCKING MAGIC. FFS.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on May 12, 2017 at 7:32pm PDT

 

Wicker Pig!

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 11, 2017 at 4:49pm PDT

 

But what if you really hate someone you’re serving & want to make small pancakes for them so that they feel inferior?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Mar 17, 2017 at 1:45am PDT

 

Limited edition dishwashing liquid? Commercialism is officially nucking futs.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Feb 4, 2017 at 10:31pm PST

 

Challenge accepted. Someone get Mythbusters on the air & lend us come C4

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Jan 27, 2017 at 9:40pm PST

 

I’m sure murderers are terrified by solar gutter lights.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Jan 27, 2017 at 9:35pm PST

 

God knows, when my eggs don’t look perfect, I sit down and cry instead of eating them.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Jan 27, 2017 at 9:37pm PST

 

I wonder if they do song & dance routines?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Jan 1, 2017 at 7:03pm PST

 

Oh well if it has a bonus TEA LIGHT CANDLE then I’m sold.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 13, 2017 at 12:47am PDT

 

A) this would be so much cooler if it was some kind of see through inter dimensional portal B) if it covers the entire table, where are you supposed to put your plate to eat off?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 13, 2017 at 12:46am PDT

 

Ex-hair roll on just makes me picture degunking a shower drain and glueing it to yourself with Clag.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 13, 2017 at 12:42am PDT

 

Wouldn’t it promote more wealth if you didn’t spend $15 on it?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 13, 2017 at 12:38am PDT

 

This made me laugh so much this morning that I bought it because it was only 99c. I kept picturing corn chips (sea salt flavour) in peoples hair.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 11, 2017 at 5:11pm PDT

 

Even our bloody water bottles need to hustle? Fuck that… #antihustle

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Jul 21, 2017 at 6:21pm PDT

 

Note: middle of freeway not recommended

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 17, 2017 at 1:26am PDT

 

I’ve always wanted a vomiting sparrow with devil eyes.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 17, 2017 at 1:21am PDT

 

Now we will go to foodie hell if we don’t have perfectly circular burgers. Woah!! Ok so if we buy lean mince are we fat shaming the beef?!

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 17, 2017 at 1:20am PDT

 

I wonder what the non-great lengths are?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 17, 2017 at 1:19am PDT

 

These milky ways look weird.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on May 22, 2017 at 11:51pm PDT

 

Screw you country people, only urban people can use this.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Mar 17, 2017 at 7:31pm PDT

 

So now we have to control the weather too?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Mar 17, 2017 at 7:29pm PDT

 

I imagine it would hurt if you swallowed a container this large.

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Mar 17, 2017 at 7:27pm PDT

 

Occasional = too uncomfortable to sit in all the time?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Sep 29, 2017 at 2:49pm PDT

 

Make sure you don’t wear this if it’s cloudy, rainy or snowing

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 17, 2017 at 1:28am PDT

 

What does it track with difficulty?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 17, 2017 at 1:11am PDT

 

Does that mean you can’t play it as it’s only decorative? @kmartaus

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Mar 17, 2017 at 7:26pm PDT

 

I want a special occasions spatula now…

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Mar 17, 2017 at 1:51am PDT

 

New type of massage!

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 13, 2017 at 6:26pm PDT

 

Step one: put leg in leg hole or arm in arm hole. I’ve never understood what the hell “fashion” people mean when they say “how to wear” or “easy to wear”. You. Put. It. On. Done. Why make shit harder than it is? #NotAFashionBlogger

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 11, 2017 at 2:08pm PDT

 

If companies insist on not using the word Christmas, how will I know what to be festive about?! I’m just not smart enough to work it out on my own!! Save me companies! I might have to think independently if you don’t label it Christmas!!!

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Oct 31, 2017 at 3:14am PDT

 

I saw these donuts in Coles yesterday & I feel conflicted by lots of small round things being in a round container. Thoughts?

A post shared by Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) on Aug 27, 2017 at 2:12pm PDT

What’s weirdest or funniest thing you’ve seen in retail recently?