April Creative Contemplations
I have books on burnout on loan from the library. And I haven’t read them. Partly because I was on holiday when they became available, and reading feels like work type brain usage, but also because I’m a bit angry I have the books for me to read. I feel annoyed, I’ve done everything right, and everything for myself. No one helped me get through uni, to rent my first house, anything. And then I get myself good jobs. Sure, they’re often on contracts but frankly that’s the way of lots of jobs now, even if assholes from my past claim it’s my fault it’s a contract and they don’t see that they had a bunch of privileged luck.
My point being, I’ve had whatever level of privilege I have and been able to do the right things, and then when it doesn’t work and I get burnt out, somehow it’s on me to fix it? Why should I read the books on burnout? Why not the system? Fix yourself, not waste my holiday time fixing me.
But at the same time, the brain work type usage is bugging me. It feels like I’m bored, unstimulated. Granted taking annual leave and having lockdown due to COVID outbreak isn’t ideal, but that’s a band aid type issue. I don’t want to use my brain because that will remind me of being at work, but I’m bored from not using my brain. But I need to not feel like I’m at work because that’s one of my sources of stress right now.
Does creator guilt ever go away? I had a migraine and then felt bad I didn’t do things that day and that there’s more to catch up on. Why can’t I give myself a break? I know it’s not only me who feels this way. There’s literally no pushing through a migraine. I couldn’t even stand to have the ceiling fan on because it was too loud. And I put myself out there as someone who hates hustle culture. At least I can acknowledge it’s toxic, even if I haven’t untrained myself from feeling it?
April Creative Contemplations
Reading: Lets Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir) by Jenny Lawson.
Gaming: I wanted to dig back into another game, but energy was lacking so it ended up being more Animal Crossing.
(Re)Watching: Superstore
Creating: Some digital notepad covers.
Writing: Hitting a very small word count goal in Camp NaNoWriMo, across a number of projects.
