This morning I am angry. I am annoyed. I’m glad to see the back of 2014 but I don’t believe that magically once the clock ticks over to midnight that things will be better. Because that’s illogical.
If you’ve read my posts this month so far you’ll see how I’m feeling. And that is crap. I’m trying to take care of myself. I’ve given up doing many things in exchange for letting myself do nothing (or binge watch TV shows). And that has helped. It’s just not enough.
I have struggled this year. All damn year. I feel like all I’ve managed to do is scrape by. I’m sick of scraping by.
I’m sick of having the problems in my life go unrecognised or unappreciated. I’m not legally seen as a carer, but I am. I wish the doctors who treat Ben like shit for keeping on fighting for a diagnosis would…I don’t know. Go into a career where they can’t treat people like shit? Just retire and let some good doctors take their place? I just don’t want people who don’t care in my life.
I don’t talk about this much. I don’t blog about it. It’s not fun. We fall outside of every support system there is. Because support systems are designed for those who know what’s wrong with them. You’re a fully functioning human being until you have some piece of paper saying that you have this definable problem. Ben has been eligible for a small amount of Newstart this year and his job network person kept recommending that he get a Centrelink Medical certificate to exempt him from activities – after talking to our GP about it many times (because he doesn’t usually “feel” like doing government paperwork – right, because the rest of us fucking love it) we finally got him to fill one in. Only Centrelink rejected it because apparently you’re not allowed to to be undiagnosed. Yeah, let that sink in. That may have been one of those times when I read the letter and literally screamed “are you fucking kidding me”.
To those “friends” of mine who decided to tell me that Ben is taking advantage of me by being unable to work because he’s sick – thank you, you’ve given us endless joke fodder. If Ben asks me to do some inane task like grab the washing in for him, I tell him nope, you’re taking advantage of me. Cheers for showing me your true colours – I’m sorry to lose old friends but I’m glad I had the chance to see what you truly feel so that you aren’t in my life any more. I have no room for that shit.
Why do we have to fight just to make someone pretend to care? Why do you have the right to be a senior doctor at a local hospital when you don’t give the slightest fuck what happens to your patients? When you roll your eyes at a patient who diligently writes down things that may be of use to you.
Do doctors understand that when you shove one person in limbo with misdiagnosis’s and not knowing what’s wrong and a general lack of giving a fuck that it really and truly fucks up the lives of everyone in that house, not just the person on the books as a patient? Do they know what it’s like for a person to be 30 and having been living on painkillers for no diagnosable reason for over a year? Do they know what it’s like for him to have had his independence taken away from him for three years when you keep changing your mind about what’s wrong and if he is or isn’t allowed to learn to drive?
This morning I had to face a fact that is hard for me. Very hard. I missed an assignment in the degree I enrolled in. I sent an email to the course coordinator of the two subjects I’m studying and said that I’m going to have to drop out. Because even if I got an extension, there’s no way I can write anything coherent right now. Certainly nothing of a postgraduate academic standard. So I’ll have some fails and extra fees on my transcript. Oh well.
For 7 weeks now I’ve tried to work out how to study. The most I’ve been able to do is print a few lectures and read them. I can’t think or interact further because my mind is too full of all this other shit. It has caused me so much stress. I wish I could keep studying. I love learning and I love being a student.
The overwhelming pressure for me right now is that I have to feel better in 5 days. In 5 days I start a new job. God I need a reliable income. Fuck 2014’s underemployment. I loved the people and the place I worked but nothing really compensates for the stress of underemployment. Smile at work, then go throw 90% of your pay on rent and go to the food bank in the hopes of saving on food enough to pay bills enough when they come in. That was a few months of my year.
I’m sad that I’ve had to cancel further study again. But at the same time I’m not. Because I’m not going to be learning anything in this state. I don’t think I’ll be able to study again until our lives approach some semblance of normal again. And who knows if or when that will be.