Yep, Alanis is in my head. It feels ironic that this year I’ve been so focused on creating a good year that it’s hard to admit that right now, I’m struggling.
It’s hard to be back working full time.
Great for the bank balance – don’t get me wrong. It’s lovely to be able to save enough each pay so that there’s enough money set aside for bills when they come in. I am totally appreciative of that side of working full time!
But personally, it’s hard. I liked the amount of free time I had last year. Granted, I didn’t use it the way I “should” have, but that’s an entire topic of its own.
I am most definitely an introvert in so far as I recharge alone.
And alone is what I am never.
All week at work I am surrounded by people.
I commute to an area I’ve never commuted to before. It is BUSY. It’s difficult to get to.
You can watch a bus you need to get on go past you, completely full. Sometimes 3 or 4 will go past you. Sometimes a bunch of teenagers run up the side of bus, jump the queue and take the last few vacant standing places on the bus. Sometimes adults do the same.
Other times adults just don’t want to move up to the back of the bus. You see that 30+ group of people crowding onto the bus? Yeah, we all want to get on the bus too. Just move to the fucking back so there is room for more people to get on. Why is it only kids who will move to the back? Adults, the back isn’t scary. It’s just a bunch of seats…kind of like the front. Gasp.
Through our situation, when I get home, my husband has been alone all day and naturally wants my company for the few hours in the day he gets to see me.
Being bombarded with people in all aspects of my life isn’t allowing me any down time right now. I’m struggling to find something that recharges me.
I’ve been actively noting how I feel and taking steps to counteract it. I sit outside before work. I sit outside in fresh air and get sunlight and walk at lunch times. I listen to music on the train to boost my mood (and help me to ignore people around me). I take showers with eucalyptus (helps my crappy sinuses). I’ve been borrowing books from the library and buying a few second hand books to read – but I just don’t have the energy to concentrate on reading.
Perhaps this is an ebb and flow thing. Maybe it is momentum that has stalled – 5 weeks into a new job and my body is realising that this is actually what it’s doing this year. Two or three weeks in I went through some physical discomfort, with my body reacting to sitting all week. Even leaving the office and walking for 5 mins every hour didn’t help it. But that has gone away now.
Maybe I just need to continue with my self care routines and push through this to a place of relative comfort.
There’s no denying last weekend was big for me; successfully launching Bloggers and Bacon. Let alone some positive but long-awaited personal news – it was an excellent but very stressful and draining weekend. Maybe I just feel so shit this week because I didn’t get downtime on the weekend.
I tell you what though – I’m craving time. Time to finish creating the products I have planned for Bloggers and Bacon. Time to let myself be financially successful online. Time to give up working for someone else. Part of being able to do that is the ability to invest in things this year, which is where more irony comes into play because it would be a lot harder to invest in my own success this year without having a full time job.
When do you know when to push through? Any other self-care suggestions for me?