This week’s I Must Confess prompt is about if you are beautiful or not. But what is beautiful? What is pretty? Does it matter?
What Is Pretty?
How you feel is reflected on your skin. On your face. In your eyes.
Generally speaking, yes, I think I am pretty. Or beautiful. Or any other word like that.
Today, no. I don’t feel it. I’m exhausted. I’m miserable. I’m trying my hardest to study but it took all my energy to get from the couch to my bed to study this afternoon. Then, 15 mins in, I had a well intentioned interruption and I lost it. I couldn’t concentrate. All I could do was cry. That’s all I’ve been doing since.
I think I’ve been backed up with stress for the past month (or two) from work, uni and emergency department trips and I needed to cry, but I haven’t. I don’t know why. I just haven’t had the energy to cry? The suckiest part is that I’m currently boring myself. I’m upset that I’m wasting part of my long weekend crying.
The past few years, long weekends have meant extra stress, as it has generally meant days without pay. So what excuse do I have to be upset this long weekend? I have to keep reminding myself that right now I’m in a long term game. I am not even 4 months into a new job that is formally, properly permanent come June-ish. Due to timings and other things, it probably has been the least smooth transition to a job. But also, I know this should be the worst my job ever is. And I’m still doing it (blindly, sometimes) and doing so very well, against some invisible types of challenges.
As I waited for my lecture to start, I logged in to check if my essay had been graded yet. I figured if I had failed, I could just throw in the towel. And I was really, really sad that that I thought that. I have tried to study so many times since I finished my undergrad in Jan 2009 and I’ve hated it every time. This is the first time I’ve enjoyed studying in so long. I know postgrad isn’t easy, and a double weighted postgrad subject especially so, but that has never been a problem for me before. It’s not the content I’m struggling with, it’s my life.
I start to question everything. Is it stupid to study? Am I actually a carer? If I’m not, am I putting extra pressure on myself by calling myself one? Why did the GP have to be an hour late yesterday? Can going to the GP for my husband ever NOT be a stressful experience for me? Is it possible to have seen so many bad, crappy, unethical, lying GPs over the years with him that I have some kind of GP-PTSD?
Last week I had Monday and Tuesday off because I was exhausted. It felt viral; like when you have the flu and can’t move but without the snotty nose and only a mild fever. Maybe I am still sick and that’s why I feel like this. But after two days at home I was getting cabin fever badly and I think I actually felt better when I went back to work on Wednesday. Which am I? Do I like work? Do I like being at home? I don’t even know anymore.
My internet drops out for a moment as I write this and I want to scream. I don’t want any delays. When I finally bring myself to write today, I want it to work. I don’t need any more fuck ups and problems in my life.
To take this back on topic, I usually feel good and therefore, I look good. But today, I feel, and look, oh so very, very ordinary. And that fact is making me feel even worse.