Even though I started this blog with a health & fitness theme in mind, I never really enjoyed writing about it. And yet, this year I feel like my health is going downhill.
Are you allowed to look at reasons without people harassing you that they’re “just” excuses? When did excuses become invalid anyway? Why can’t the situation just be the situation and people accept that? To me, people who talk about how they don’t accept excuses are people who are too stupid to look at context and are just trying to squish you into some predetermined box that they created. Usually just to suit their needs, not yours.
Am I allowed to be completely drained from being the sole person in my house working and with a drivers license for the past three years? Am I allowed to be drained by working a full time and busy job when all I really want to do is work for myself?
What do I do when I know I need to exercise but a full time job and 15 hour/week commute kill my ability to give a crap? Do I cancel the gym membership that I haven’t used all year?
Why do I have to feel happy and enthused about going to a job that doesn’t feed my skills or challenge me?
Would most people see taking random days off for my mental health (relaxing…what’s that?) as acceptable, knowing all of the above and knowing that I haven’t had so much as a weekend away since June 2010?
I’ve had offhand comments from a GP that I may have ADHD. My husband thinks my snoring has gotten worse this year, and only this morning he said that he thinks I may have sleep apnea. The ankle tendon I injured a few years ago hurts mildly on a regular basis, yet a radiologist couldn’t see anything wrong with it last week when I had an ultrasound.
If only I had the energy to deal with any of this.
This morning I was trying to remember when I felt the best. I think it was when I went back to uni to complete my degree. I was walking up and down hills at the uni all the time. My mind was stimulated. I packed lunches every day and ate them in the shade by a lake.
I had a lot of healthy factors in my life:
- Fresh air
- Mental challenge
- Relaxation time
Then I graduated and moved back to working. Sitting. Commuting. It kills. I honestly believe that working in an office kills you, albeit slowly. We are not creatures that evolved to sit in an office with unnatural light and recycled air.
When people talk about fad diets, I get annoyed and think “Just go to your damn doctor if you want help!”. But here I am, not taking my own advice. Why? Well, the last few years have basically destroyed any faith I have in the medical profession. But more than that, I feel like if I went to a doctor, I’d be shoved a bunch of pills to make me like working & commuting & sitting (or at least not annoyed by it). I don’t want a pill solution. I want a lifestyle solution. And the frustrating part of that is how long a lifestyle solution takes to happen. No one gives you advice on that. Are pills a temporary part of a lifestyle solution? Am I depressed? I don’t think so, or I would have sought help.
I do what I can for now. I try to keep strict sleeping times so that I don’t suffer sleep deprivation again (I had bad issues about 4 years ago, just as I came out of having Glandular Fever). I try not to eat out and always take my own food to work. I don’t specifically exercise but 99% of the time I leave my office at lunchtime for half an hour and just wander in the city. I often wander along the beachfront on weekends. Or on days like today, when I can’t face working.
But, since this is a personal blog and I can be totally honest, do you know what I want?
I want time off.
I want to do nothing but be selfish. Preferably for about 6 months. I want to do whatever I feel like in the morning. I want to go to the gym when I’m happy and relaxed. I want to grow my business and spend more time on it. I want to write. I want to wear whatever I feel like.
I don’t even know if I should phrase this as ‘wanting’ time off. I think I need this time off.
If you have any ideas on how I can get time off when I’m the sole income earner, let me know. And keep in mind, despite the fact I’m working a professional job, I’m casual & on a short term contract. I don’t get leave. If I take days off, it’s to the detriment of my own income.