Friday morning I had a semi breakdown. A panic/anxiety/stress (or something) attack. It wasn’t pretty. I don’t think I have ever felt as bad as I did yesterday morning. I couldn’t stop crying for about an hour. It physically hurt; I’ve had a bit of a virus/cold/chest infection, so it was painful to sob, but I couldn’t stop. I had to keep using my ventolin to be able to breathe. Even after I felt better, I was still crying randomly. I couldn’t stop the tears. I worried I had lost my blissful zen that I was so very much enjoying.
Life is far from perfect right now, but I have been enjoying the time. Oh the time. I’ve loved having a slower pace of life so, so much. Thursday night I found myself wrapped up in a blanket, in the dark, watching Gilmore Girls DVDs (not a show I watch often).
I now wonder if that was a sign. To be drawn to watching a comedy/drama because I needed an outlet. An excuse to cry at some dramatic storyline unrelated to my life. To just cleanse the frustrations out of me a little. But I didn’t cry.
After I had recovered, I was wondering if my zen since moving to part time work had been keeping me too relaxed to need to cry. I said to Ben, what if we end up with what we want, part time/at home work, will I be so happy most of the time that when I am sad, it will be a giant breakdown?
Then I had the idea that I probably would have a giant breakdown every six months. So I should plan for them. Book myself an apartment (on Straddie or something) for a week and let myself have a breakdown. Let myself recover from it.
Do you think not crying often makes it “build up”?