I’ve been restless all day. I finally decided to watch Bones and bake some apple cinnamon muffins from a packet mix. I know. I use packet mix. Call the CWA on me and have me beheaded.
I started off by reading the instructions. Immediately, I started laughing because eating the batter and by extension, licking the bowl, is apparently off limits now.
Dudes. Licking the bowl is half the reason I occasionally
get baked bake.
Hmm. 4 Steps. No. There are more than 4 steps. I hereby provide you with The Real Steps to Packet Mix Baking:
- Decide if you want to bake. There’s a lot to it.
- Put oven on random temperature.
- Wonder if you have an egg.
- Find egg.
- Find the stuff to bake with.
- Wash the stuff to bake with.
- Find a tea towel.
- Wonder why the tea towel smells kinda funky.
- Realise you’ll need a measuring cup and you forgot to wash this in step 4.
- Wash measuring cup.
- Find out you own three sizes of patty cake/muffin wrappers and wonder why you own them.
- Then wonder what the difference is between the sizes? Is it magic or chemistry that makes the size important?
- Does size matter?
- Rip at the batter mix to try and open it. Because you can’t just go find the scissors. That’s effort.
- Dump the batter mix into the still damp mixing bowl.
- Crack egg.
- Spill parts of the egg guts on the floor as you put the shell in the bin.
- Dribble water on the floor as you fill the 1/4 cup measuring cup three times to add water to the mix.
- Realise you’re using a plastic spatula rather than a wooden spoon. Wonder again about the magic vs chemistry of baking.
- Wonder what “just combined” means.
- What if some parts aren’t mixed?
- Is there a difference between combined and mixed?
- Wizards. There are definitely wizards involved in baking.
- Realise the apple sachet has no rippy bits.
- Wonder where scissors are.
- Find scissors in bathroom.
- Inspect scissors for hair.
- Snip the packet as directed. Not cut. Snip.
- Start to fill the oven tray with 2/3 apple, then realise it says to mix it into the batter.
- Slowly dribble apple into batter.
- Get bored dribbling and smoosh the entire apple sachet contents into the batter.
- Stir non gently.
- Start to fill muffin tin
- Wonder how anyone does this without spilling batter across the counter.
- Manage to put tray in oven without burning self.
- Lick. Lick the bowl. Lick the spoon you were just spooning with. Lick the spatula that isn’t a wooden spoon.
- Dump the bowl in the sink with some water in it, totally intending to clean it later.
- Turn on computer, having been making jokes in your head the whole time. You realise you need to blog this.
- Start typing.
- The 15min oven timer goes off.
- Follow the instructions carefully and lightly touch one in the centre to see if it’s cooked.
- Cry that your muffin isn’t bouncy yet.
- Sit back down to keep blogging.
- Set a timer for 7mins on your phone, because your oven gets confused by any time under 10mins.
- Wait 7mins.
- Jump when phone starts making noises at you.
- Step over dog and go to oven.
- With the fear of the previous muffin-fingering-gone-wrong experience in the back of your head, lightly finger another muffin.
- Cheer when your muffin is bouncy.
- Pull muffins out of oven without burning yourself.
- Celebrate that you haven’t burnt yourself yet.
- Ignore dirty dishes and eat muffins.
4 steps? 4 steps! No. 52 steps. And this is only a packet mix!! What if I was a hardcore homemaker and I had to bake it all myself. I mean, flour, sugar, butter…I’m estimating baking from scratch would take at least 750 steps.
Tell me, am I going to CWA jail for making a packet mix? Do you use packet mixes?
P.S. Betty, I really do love you. You’re yummy and easy.
P.P.S. I think my P.S. sounded dirty.
P.P.P.S. Do the CWA have a packet mix competition? I would KICK ASS in that competition.
P.P.P.P.S. Do people die often from raw-egg muffin-batter-eating complications?