How Hard It Is To Write

I get a little tense when it comes time to plan out some blog posts for the week. I don’t have much space in my head for writing these days. Job hunting and the all consuming stress of the looming few months are sucking my creative abilities.

 

So what’s really going on in my life? 

 

You all know I have a husband who is at home 99% of the time. This all started when he ended up in hospital, spent a year being told he was Type 1 diabetic, then found out that was totally untrue (so he spent a year at huge risk of blood sugar lows since he was injecting insulin AND his body was making insulin) and now he’s been in some sort of pain since Oct or Nov last year and has been on arthritis meds daily to control the pain. But he doesn’t have arthritis. Or anything else. He’s been tested for nearly everything under the damn sun and everything comes back clear. The only “diagnosis” he has is that he has had Ross River in the past. That’s the only thing that might explain it. It doesn’t seem to be supposed to last this long (nearly a year now) if it is a Ross River relapse. We’re trying to find new doctors and so on for second opinions but we need to do this entirely through the public health system, so that’s like banging a damn head on a brick wall. Our GP is crap/ok…a bit of a “better the devil you know” situation really. And at least he’s bulk billing us… Some people ask us why we haven’t seen a specialist. A specialist for what? So far he comes back clear for everything…how do you go to a specialist?

 

So, being in pain, working isn’t really an option for him, but not having a diagnosis of what’s wrong means he can’t get any kind of disability. Which means it’s up to me to be the income earner while we muddle through more doctors and medical shit. (In case you can’t tell, I have very little patience and/or respect left for the public health system or most medical professionals in general at this rate.)

 

As I wrote about in this post on Kiki and Tea, I work my ass off every single day to apply for jobs. I hate it. It bores the crap out of my, kills my enthusiasm and generally makes me cranky.

How Hard It Is To Write

For the past few months I’ve been working part time. In my first week there I was asked if I was really looking for full time work. Not knowing what to say, I said no. Because in your first week, do you really say “Hey, I actually DON’T want this job?” As it turns out, they were obliquely referring to an internal, full time vacancy until the end of this year. Naturally, I didn’t find that out until way after it was too late. So from early in this contract, I feel like I screwed myself out of a job. And I’m also annoyed that I was asked in such a roundabout way.

 

I don’t know if my job will get extended. I hope so, but no one knows. If it gets extended then it buys me time to scramble for more jobs.

 

Look, eventually something will come up. I’m sure of it. I don’t really give much of a crap what my day job is; there’s rarely any professional work in my area so I do a lot of office temping between real jobs and I’m very experienced at that too. It’s just the surviving until something comes up that is hard. Not only do I do all the applying for jobs that I wrote about in that article, recently I’ve been meeting with agencies & having interviews anything up tot three per week – before, after and during work. And when it’s during work, I then have to get up early the rest of the week to make up the hours I missed.

 

Can I just be tired yet?

 

My “days off” each week are a blur of applying for jobs, interviews, going to food banks for free food and taking Ben to doctors appointments.

 

Days off, my ass.

 

Job hunting is always stressful. I’ve always been on contract so I’m somewhat used to it. But right now, timing is just bad. Within the month of my job ending, I have my car rego due and my drivers license to renew. I will likely be due to receive an electricity bill then too.

 

Then there’s the ATO. When Ben was really sick, I claimed a dependent spouse tax offset one financial year. According to what I’ve read, I was eligible for it. Naturally I got a reassessment of my tax return recently and have had to put in a dispute. But just putting in a dispute doesn’t mean you don’t have to pay it. So technically speaking, later this week I have to put in place a payment plan to repay nearly $900 while the ATO takes their sweet-ass time to think about if I did or didn’t correctly claim that tax offset. Naturally, that also screws the potential of me getting a tax refund this year, since refunds are apparently automatically taken away for any debts to the ATO. Some days I think I’m getting screwed from every angle.

 

Right now I also need: a car service (possibly a belt change of some kind, I’m not all that car savvy), a vet appointment for my dog’s vaccinations and blood tests (because she started having seizures due to a commercial medication the other year that is still on the market). And if that’s not enough, my dog is also a Type 1 diabetic, as we learned at the start of this year, so she has to have an insulin injection every 12 hours. Lucky Ben’s used to doing those on himself.

 

I’m hoping right now that my job gets an extension (even just a small one) to buy me more time to get a full time job. And I’m hoping to get a long enough extension that I can take out a small personal loan at the bank to cover all the bills I can’t pay.

 

I learned about NILS: No Interest Loan Scheme. Only apparently it can’t be used for things like bills…but for household items, like fridges… And TVs! I got a bit annoyed…thinking here I am trying my hardest to find a full time job & also educating myself on options just in case, and I can’t get help to pay rego so I can get to job interviews, but I could get a loan to buy a TV. How ridiculous is that?

 

And then, a few days after I learned about this, my TV started playing up. Something in this world is messing with me right now!!!

 

I have toyed with the idea of starting a GoFundMe account for…well I don’t know. My sanity? Bills? But I feel unworthy of it. I’m not the worst off person in the world. Why am I deserving to beg for someone’s money? In job hunting, as in life in general, things can change in a day. I might get a job offer tomorrow. You never know.

 

I’m annoyed that twice this year I’ve tried to undertake further education, and twice it has been only upon enrolment that I’ve found out aspects of the course that you aren’t told about first. Factors that add time & effort on that aren’t of value. Twice this year I have dropped out of Masters degrees.

 

So, in dealing with the general bullshit that is my life, I hate this feeling of being stressed opening my blog to write. And I know you’re not “supposed” to feel this bad about writing. I have so many ideas, so many half completed projects that I want to keep going with. And yet, I’m just not. I’m consumed with this bullshit that is necessary for survival. I feel so guilty if I’m at my computer and I don’t open Seek to apply for more jobs.

 

Can I have a holiday? Can someone give me my freaking mojo back so it feels like my life is about more than just getting by (or getting to the next problem)?

 

Vanessa Smith

8 Comments

  1. It really sucks that you are going through so much shit at the moment. I’m not going to say any platitudes but I really do hope things start to look up for you soon. It’s hard to write when your mind and life is filled with so much stress. It also sucks that any kind of holiday (even a road trip!) costs money. As for the gofundme, I reckon you are deserving of it. Even if it is to pay bills! And let’s face it — those bills never stop coming.

    • Bills never do stop! I’m hoping to get a contract extension and a small personal loan; knowing that I’m not the worst person off in the world would make me feel so guilty if I did crowdfunding.

  2. That is all horribly tough. I really do feel for you. I don’t have much to offer but keep your chin up, things will get better; you are doing well to keep plugging away. I do think (coming from a medical background) that your husband should see a different GP. There may be things the first one hasn’t thought about testing for.

    • Plugging away is the worst part in some ways. It gets old fast! We have an appointment to see a doctor at the local hospital in the next few weeks and have had initial chats with another GP too.

  3. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time. Job hunting alone is so depressing, but combined with everything else you’re going through … it sucks 🙁 I hope things improve for you.

    • I’ve never been out of work too long, so something always does come up. It’s just frustrating, boring and repetitive to look!! 🙂

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