As you may know, I’ve had a bit of a shit time in recent months. That happens. The part that is hardest is that while I’ve dropped a LOT of things (like blogging, thanks to those who have checked in, I am ok, it’s just literally an energy thing) I’ve reached a point where I can’t find anything else to drop.
Irrational Thoughts Are Stupid
The shittiest part is that I found out I was low on iron just after the point of no return for dropping out of uni. Which is why I am struggling on. Big keyword of struggling there. I maybe could have dropped out and fought a bureaucratic system for a refund and then taken the subjects again next year, but that would feel like things were hanging over me. And I don’t want that.
Powering on through is what I’m doing. But I have no power.
I get home from work and all I can do is sit. It physically hurts for me to go shower and get ready for bed, because my muscles have had enough. They have nothing left to give. Now, it is improving. Before I was diagnosed I was like that by lunch time each day.
I have to work full time. That pays for that pesky roof and food and iron pills.
So therefore I have to study after work or on weekends. After work clearly isn’t working.
Weekends; well I need full days of rest to recover/prepare for the work days. I manage to open my uni notes on Sunday and then I cried at them. Even with a list of where to begin, my brain couldn’t absorb anything.
My study skills are fine. I can write research essays in my sleep. I just have no power to do these things.
Yesterday, I applied for more extensions on my assignments. I really, really did not want to. It feels like uni is hanging over me. I want it done. I don’t want to push out deadlines. But it’s the logical thing to do.
Which is where the irrational comes in.
I have another uni related issue that is a bit too complicated to talk about here, so I sent an email to the uni counselling service to see if they can offer advice/strategy/tips on other departments in the uni to help me handle it. But the soonest they can get me in (aka Skype) is on Thursday. Bummer. I wanted to talk to them BEFORE I put in my extension requests. For no logical reason. I thought I needed justification? I don’t know. They have online drop in sessions on skype, and I planned my lunch break around it. But I forgot that QLD is stupid and doesn’t have daylight savings so I missed the session.
I have an assignment due on Sunday, so I couldn’t just wait to apply for an extension. I had a letter from my doctor for this exact purpose. And yet I felt unable to. My heart rate increased. Now that I had learned the hard lesson about daylight savings I picked a time to submit it towards the end of their working day, becuase… I don’t know? I didn’t want to apply and get rejected in the same day? I doubt they can even reject claims that come with medical evidence.
WHY? Why why why? There is a fucking blood test on my office desk that is clear as day that I am not well. LITERALLY IN BLACK AND WHITE. For fuck’s sake, brain! And a literal piece of paper from my doctor telling the university that he supports my request for more time. SO WHY WAS IT SO HARD?
Why do I feel like such a fraud for applying for extensions at uni? I am fully diagnosed, fully supported by my GP.
— Vanessa Smith (@normal_ness) October 10, 2016
I have some wise friends though:
@normal_ness Because society has conditioned us to think illnesses are us betraying our duty to produce produce produce
— Caz Beckett (@HyperCaz) October 10, 2016
— Deborah Brian (@deborahbrian) October 10, 2016
It’s funny, part of what I really want to cover with Side Gig Life is my dislike of the hustle start up culture. I think it’s wildly unhealthy. But what Caz said made me think; I guess I have some subconscious, or at the very least, socially engrained, thoughts about “getting stuff done”.
TL;DR: Brains suck sometimes. Irrational thoughts are stupid. I don’t know if you’re supposed to call your own brain stupid, but I am calling it stupid in this instance.
There’s another online drop in session tonight, so I can hopefully begin to address the other issue I have that isn’t helping me deal with this.
Is your brain irrational?? How do you stop it?
I did hit submit in the end, for both of my subjects. I got a fast reply to one, ironically the subject I am least stressed about. Two week extension (even though I only asked for a week).