I don’t really know if I slept Sunday night. I think I was asleep, but I tossed and turned. A lot. When I woke up Monday morning, I’d managed to remove most of the fitted sheet from my bed.
At the point I saw the fitted sheet all messed up, I knew I’d had a bad sleep and that work would be pointless. I was anxious over this decision, partly because my ‘supervisor’ has never supervised anyone before and because I thought they’d get angry and fire me since I was going to be the only one in the office that day anyway. (And while I’ve discussed my dislike of my day job many times, unfortunately it’s still a necessary evil.)
I spent Monday crying and laughing. I think I needed to decompress or something. I considered going to the doctor after I ate a lamb chop for afternoon tea and my mood picked up to a really high level when I’d finished eating. Maybe I’m anaemic? But I don’t want to visit my GP because I suspect they would claim I’m depressed and want to put me on medication. Before anyone says this is an anti-mental health stigma thing, if I really thought I needed help, I would be getting it. My husband wouldn’t let me get to that point, he’d be forcing me to go. I don’t think my mental health is perfect right now, but I do believe that time, space and exercise are all I need. If I get those, and then I don’t get better, I would see my GP then.
Plus, it’s not like I don’t enjoy things when I’m doing them. I had a great time kayaking (well, falling into the ocean) Sunday afternoon with my mother and sister in law.
I think I’ve been running on empty for too long and not recognising it. Work has been very frustrating for the last few weeks. In general, I get tired with having carried the ball for the two years that Ben has been unable to work. In June this year, it will have been 3 years since I had so much as a weekend away. Basically, I need a break. I need to be really selfish. I also want to sleep for a month.
I don’t know if I will go back to work Wednesday or Thursday. I’m a casual, so I don’t get paid leave days. And since I’m the only income earner in the family, it means if I don’t work, we don’t have any way to pay bills or rent. You’d think two years of doctors messing up your health would entitle you to some centrelink assistance, but it doesn’t. In two years I think we’ve had $400 from them. Wow.
Either way, I think I let myself get too tired – I should have taken days off sooner. I ignored my own warning signs. I knew I was getting tired & stressed but I ignored them. I’m a little bit disappointed in myself for this, I thought I recognised my warning signs well these days. Even though it’s time off, I am a little irritated. Work never replies to my messages telling them that I won’t be in. I feel under pressure to get a doctors certificate, but I’m not wasting a GPs time when I’m not really sick. And since they don’t pay me when I’m off, I consider a doctor’s certificate worthless.
But all in all, I started today well. I ate my breakfast on a deserted playground ropes course, then drove around a bit and found some pelicans to hang out with. It was so, so lovely to breathe fresh air and feel a breeze. Considering I spent most of my weeks in an office or commuting, fresh air is a delicacy to me. Ben both laughed and clearly felt sorry for me when I said “But humans are supposed to be in an office, not outside!” as we headed back to the car after watching the pelicans.
Do you take days out of your life when you just need a break? Have you learned your own warning signs that you need to take better care of yourself?