As you know, I worked out that I am going through a transition of sorts. I have no need to look for work or study after work each day and I still don’t know what a normal life looks like in that regard. I was all set to float, but last week feels like it has thrown me, but I don’t know in what way.
Nothing New
Look, most of the week I was off sick. That’s probably it. I had a mild but persistent fever and only made it through one day of work. The rest of the week was spent on the couch with panadol. Even though I got Netflix finally, I couldn’t concentrate on anything new. My mind doesn’t want new. (The only new thing I watched was the new Gilmore Girls.) To a degree, I’ve never liked new in my consumption. Probably a response to having had a lot of change in my life. I like re-reading books, re-watching TV shows. I had a list of books that I wanted to read when I finished uni. Only now I can’t stand the thought of them. I don’t want anything new to go in my brain. I guess that shouldn’t be too shocking; I’ve tried postgrad many times and this year was the first time I found one that was challenging. It makes sense I want a break.
Constants
I don’t know if I can cope with constants. Genuinely don’t know. I’ve long thought that I work best in concentrated, fully absorbed blasts. I think that (apart from financial and sometimes health stresses) that’s why I’ve done so well in contract work. I like learning new things (which is totally contradicting what I just said, I know) and being in new situations. Constant is stale which is boring.
Opinion
I’m reacting really badly (just in my own head, not TO other people) about their opinions. I’m very sick of the internet right now. Of people who can’t just share a differing opinion, but have to put your opinion down in order to share theirs. Seriously, we can disagree. It’s ok. But the pettiness of opinions online is just something I have no tolerance for right now. I like disagreeing. Talking about differences. And normally in my little sphere of the internet I don’t feel like I see many people who can’t have a healthy disagreement. But in the past few weeks I feel like there is a lot of foot-stomping on opinions.
I’m Mad At My Body
As you may also know, I’ve been getting some treatment for low iron. It has been nice to have a GP who is treating it more seriously than it has been in the past, especially as it seems that I’ve been struggling with this for at least two years now, but kind of without knowing it. Anyway, skipping periods was one of the things we agreed on to help rebuild my stores. I’ve been on the pill (without taking the fake pills) for over a month. And then I got cramps. A bit of discharge. Ok, I knew that this may happen, some light not-quite-a-period. But then it got heavier. I don’t class needing a tampon as a light not-quite-a-period. So I went to the doctor on Sunday to talk about this. Apparently it’s normal enough. I said that I knew *some* was normal but this seems like a light, but much more full on, period than I was expecting. And so I’m mad at my body. It’s probably not rational but I thought “hey, cool, I’m going to get to ignore everything that periods entail for at least 4 months while I rebuild my iron stores, awesome”. I am not mentally prepared to have a period right now, especially after a week off sick.
My Goals
I’ve been feeling a bit of career frustration this year. I know. I don’t need to feel that on top of this being a new job (well, one year in nearly now) and uni. But it’s hard to avoid the occasional feeling of frustration when you’re used to being more senior and independent, but traded down on those things for job security. And that’s fine, I did make that choice and I still think that it’s the right choice for me for now. But it’s taking on board the feeling that you can’t progress, it’s hard to be “allowed” to make some decisions … it requires a lot of deep breathing and reminding myself that I chose this and that this is not a career position for me, it is a stability position so I can look for my goals and future with peace.
Like I said recently: sometimes you hear things and they click with you and how you picture things, how you create and that some scenes, images, will be stuck in your head until you get to use them. I’m afraid that I’m not creating my creations. That I don’t have enough ideas. That if I write them, I will be out of ideas and having nothing to write. So I don’t write. Now, parts of that are too hard on myself; this year my own writing has certainly not been a focus. But I can’t tell you when it was a focus. When I genuinely tried the thing that has clicked with me for so long. Maybe that’s where my focus in 2017 should be. Finding my creativity again. Or maybe not finding, but doing. I have a bit of an idea in that area already. But we’ll see.
Unusually for me, I’m not too “AAH I WANT TO GET OVER THIS STAGE”. Which is usually how I feel – I am impatient – when going through something. I seem to be ok with just floating through this. My only…concern is too strong of a word but I can’t think of another… is how much do you let yourself go? How much is good to wait and see and how much is giving up? I guess I should reframe my goals – the rest of 2016 is about optimising my iron levels. If I can feel better, I’ll probably feel more like creative things.
I didn’t know I had that much I thought and felt right now…. how have you been in the past week? I’ve been mostly ignoring anything online (even my Friday link up on Bloggers and Bacon – I’m such a good blogger) so tell me what I’ve missed with you.
I can relate to the career thing. My work is not at all challenging, but I’m now permanent and can pay my mortgage. Of course it’s hard not to think about the fact you could do more / better. I keep offering to do extra (get involved in the organisation’s strategic planning, manage projects) but my boss isn’t very encouraging.
I’m sorry you’re unwell again and am sure you must be out of sick leave which must be additionally stressful. I’m really lucky as I took a week’s leave and 3 day’s sick leave for my surgery and haven’t had to take any other sick leave. I’ve not yet been there a year so having day surgery Thurs and thinking of going into work after. I must work out how many sick days I get… I’m thinking 5/year so I must still have 2 days up my sleeve. Gah!
This being a grown-up is hard!
Grown up sucks – and yep, mostly out of sick AND rec leave from being sick so much… guess holidays and enjoying rec leave isn’t for me…
So how was Gilmore Girls? From the outside looking in it always looks like you’re a super productive, achieving person, even if it doesn’t feel like it to you. Don’t really know what else to say except hope you’re feeling better soon.
Gilmore Girls was better than I expected, but I also had really low expectations! I don’t feel particularly achieving!! But I probably don’t recgonise what I do get done…
Have you been this sick before? I read your words and wonder just how much this physical illness can be impacting you in different ways. My only opinion is that you need to recover from what’s been keeping you so unwell for ages. You’ve managed to work and study while feeling unwell more than well. I hope you and the dr gets things sorted soon…noting it does take time. I too am an impatient patient. Take care. Thanks for linking up #lifethisweek Denyse
I think I have mental fatigue over being sick so much, that’s for sure. As much as I’m grateful to have had paid leave (first time in many years) to cover me while sick this year, it also is frustrating that I haven’t really been able to take it for actual breaks from work. I think the hard part is that this does take time. I know I am getting better, but the odd step back like last week and this week are frustrating.
I can definitely relate to the nothing new thing. I’ve got tons of new books to read but I just spent the week re-reading a series of books I’ve read at least thirty times over. I don’t know what it is either but I know the feeling of arrested development.
Maybe we just all have these plateaus and they’re healthy from time to time.
Concentrate on regaining you health and leave the larger issues of creativity and work for when you feel better x
I’m trying….but impatient 🙂
Gah! The internet! I’ve managed to blog very regularly once a week this year but the past two weeks I just couldn’t face it. There are such welcoming warm spaces like this #IBOT one, and then some truly horrible energy depleting ones (like some FB commentaries)… I think it’s also hard to find things to write when you’re feeling ill or tired or when your brain is at capacity, which yours sounds like it’s been for a while. Hopefully a good rest from sickness, the internet and ‘hard’ work will give you the clarity and energy you need.
Hi Vanessa, I am commenting from #teamIBOT today…where ‘technically’ it is supposed to be new, previously unpublished post but I know how hard it is for you at the moment so do take good care of yourself… D xx
Oh Ness. I get this… I don’t know… multi-faceted slump. I think it is in the planets. Just as I think I am on top of one thing another goes weird. Just aim to get on top of that iron and you could be right, a lot of other things will get better.
I guess I just wish iron didn’t take so long to get back to good levels! I know it is improving, but could it be faster haha
Glad I am not the only person full of contradictions xx I hope you feel better. And just remember you cannot use up creativity. If you write you are developing skills and more creativity will grow xx
I think the past few years have been such scarcity in many areas that I just assume it applies to creativity too.
I’m not sure if it’s this time of year or what but I’ve started to feel a little unmotivated which is strange for me. I hope you feel better soon. This year has seen a lot of change in your life so I think it’s understandable not wanting more change and feeling comforted by reading or watching things you know. x
I think it’s natural to feel a bit off kilter – maybe it’s the post-study hangover, maybe it’s the low iron thing or maybe it’s the planets being a bit out of alignment (or a combination of all three,) I don’t think the cause matters, but you do matter. Take this time to embrace the familiar, be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to just be where you are and who you are. There is always time for change… When you are ready.
I can tell the low iron is taking it’s toll on you. As for the period, that’s the last bloody thing you need. Gah!! Just take care of yourself and do what you can manage. I’m not a fan of new things either and I re-watch old tv series and re-read books etc. I have started Gilmore Girls though – I suppose there is still the familiarity of the previous seasons.
I have had a year of ups and downs, motivation and times where I have seriously lacked it. I totally understand this post and how you are feeling. Do you think the time of year has anything to do with it?
I’m feeling a bit blah, normally I’m such a happy little camper, I think it’s just end of year tiredness. Hope your iron stores build up sooner rather than later!
I think a lot of us are feeling a bit blah or meh and I think it’s coz we are tired and need a holiday! I call it ‘Endofyearitis’. I certainly am suffering with it right now. So out of sorts. I just need some time out. You probably do too, as do a squillion others! #TeamLovinLife