I am tired and cranky. I have had a few people be incredibly entitled to me in recent months and I’m only just realizing that I am angry about it. I am angry at them. I am hurt by them. I am hurt by their lack of understanding that their entitlement really hurt me.
My house, my body, my brain, my thoughts and my feelings are not yours to be entitled to.
I Am Angry
I don’t shy away from controversy. I’m not scared of confrontation. But I also don’t needlessly seek it out. I don’t like pointless drama. I don’t like confrontation, but that doesn’t mean I won’t confront someone.
I wonder that if I don’t seek out drama then I’m seen as a doormat. That if I’m not strongly pro or anti drama but I strike a healthy balance of caring for myself and calling out entitlement that I’m the unpredictable one.
(No, drama might not be the best word but it’s the word that popped into my head so I’m using it)
People don’t want you to choose what suits you. They really bloody don’t. They want you to choose what suits them and then they want it to be your fault when it doesn’t work out the way they wanted you to work it out.
We all do this to some degree. We all want things to work out the way we want them to. But a good person doesn’t blame someone else when our desire doesn’t happen. We look at why. How. Variables. Influences. Or just don’t lash out like a child.
Maybe I’ve had too many bad experiences with people lately and I just need to be patient and wait for more good ones to once again enter the balance. Patience isn’t my strong suit though.
I was trying to look things up to get insight and advice, or others thoughts on how to not just have to wait for shitty people to be unbalanced and replaced by good people. There were tips on doing positive things like walking and engaging in whatever your favorite past time is. I agree. These things are good. But they don’t really help the level of deep hurt I have right now. They’re barely a distraction.
It was only early this morning that I realized I truly am angry and the people who hurt me recently. In the weeks and months that this has been building, I was angry at other people. I was frustrated by travel bloggers. The visuals of freedom made me think if only I had that freedom to travel then I wouldn’t be hurt.
It’s classic, get angry at something unrelated. (And I didn’t express my anger at any travel bloggers, it was thought based, I didn’t troll anyone, it’s ok!) But until you know what you are actually angry at, of course you pick something weird. Because brains are weird.
I wanted an escape from time to get over this. That’s what I was trying to look up this morning. When I didn’t find what I wanted, I went onto Instagram and I saw this post.
*Sometimes everything just gets too much. *Sometimes you wish things were different. *Sometimes you realise you’ve lost so much of yourself that it’s not the same person staring back in the mirror. *Sometimes you just feel lost and don’t know who you are or where you are headed. *Sometimes you struggle to connect with this new version of yourself and yearn for the life you once had. *Sometimes you can’t help but feel alone even though you have a village surrounding you. *Sometimes you say you’re okay when really you aren’t, as you don’t want to burden anyone with the truth and it’s just simpler to say you’re fine. *Sometimes you can’t help but feel jealous seeing everyone living their lives and planning their futures and wishing you had that privilege of growing old with your husband. *Sometimes you can’t help but feel less than because you are an over achiever who puts too much pressure on yourself and you keep having these unrealistic goals and expectations of who you are or where you are wanting to go. *Sometimes you are just tired, tired of the pain, tired of seeing you hurting those around you, tired of arguing with the voices inside your head, tired of fighting to get through the day . *Sometimes you just need to cry it all out and that is okay, sometimes it is what you need to do to get through the day. *Sometimes you just hope that tomorrow is a better day. *sometimes it is too hard to see beyond tomorrow that you just take it one day at a time because that’s all you can handle. *sometimes you just start crying and the tears don’t stop. *sometimes you grieve for your life even before it is over. You grieve for the life that you’ll miss. You grieve for the memories you won’t be a part of. *sometimes you can’t just always have your shit together and “think positive thoughts”. *sometimes dying just sucks . . . #cancer #struggling #dyingat26 #justcryingitallout #migraines #badweek #misstheoldme
And while I don’t believe in competing about who has it worst (as I think we all need to acknowledge what we are feeling, big or small), I think it’s fair to say that not having time …well I can’t comprehend. I really can’t. I’m tired so I’m falling back on cliches, but Tayla is a good spirit. I can never remember how I find anyone on the internet, but I’ve loved following her. (And you can read an interview with here here.)
Does this mean I don’t feel tired and angry and all of the above? No. It means that I feel all those things, as well as grateful that I do have time to … let things change? Get over it? I don’t even know. I guess the curse of time is learning patience?
It’s ok to admit that you are angry. I don’t know the best way of processing it, or how long is a healthy vs “eating you up inside” length of time to feel it though. I guess that’s a patience thing too?
I think the weird frustration I felt at travel bloggers is actually an important step for me, as odd as it sounds! For so many years I was doing contract work and I felt like I was at the whim of others. Now that I have a permanent job (even when it’s far from what I want to be doing). I have the relative security of finding a way forward to the things I want in my life.
How much do I want to travel? What sort of travel? Do I want to travel alone or with my husband? What job do I want? Is it the job I want or the job location I want? Or both? I have the secure base to start looking at these things. I do feel I can choose now. But maybe I need to remind myself of that more often.
18 Replies to “I Am Angry”
Well I can certainly feel your anger and frustration coming through your writing. But – it is okay to be angry and to express that. Too often in the past I have kept things to myself because I didn’t want confrontation and all it brought me was unhappiness and discontent. Thank you for sharing beautiful Tayla she is such a reality check for us all. I hope you have a beautiful week and find some happiness in your day.
Sue from Sizzling Towards 60 & Beyond
I can relate, Sue about keeping things to myself and only getting unhappiness and discontent out of it.
I find writing about anger empowering because then you know exactly what it is that’s setting you off. Acknowledging it then helps me find a more productive outlet for my emotions.
I do feel a million times better for writing it out.
“Success is the ability to strive from a place of abundance rather than scarcity” Kelly Exeter
This will probably resonate with you as loudly as it did for me… the safety of permanent work means that the possibility of travel is back on the cards for you…
As for the angry stuff, perhaps telling those people will help them understand and do better next time.
People underestimate how hard scarcity is. It’s so draining all of the time.
I agree with the comments above that writing about anger will help you sort through your feelings and help you let off steam. I hope that you start feeling more at peace 🙂
It really did help to write about it all.
I think we all have times in our life where the drama and sh***ty stuff just gets us down. I know I’ve had a few doozies – the benefit is that life doesn’t stay still, and all things eventually pass. I’m sorry you’re in a funk atm but I know you’ll come out the other side once you find your positivity again. Look for the silver lining and use the unrest to spur you on to something new and exciting x
The fact it passes is something that I think we learn each time we go through the crappy stuff. And it does seem to pass faster.
Anger is an emotion we all experience at times. I hate being angry though – such a drain and a stress on the body. I’ve found strategies to diffuse my anger when it happens – meditation, crocheting, closing my eyes for a bit, deep breathing, walking, nature. Hope you can find ways to diffuse yours too. Peace and calm is far more comfy and more my cup of tea! 🙂 xo
It is a stress. It helped a lot to get it out though and onto “paper” 🙂 I wonder about diffusing sometimes, there’s a fine line between the pushing it down and repressing vs the let it out and move on. That’s the hard part to get right (and I think it varies for each of us).
Oh, that post from Tayla. Wow. It’s okay to be angry, and like you say… it’s not a competition.. our lives come with their own trials and they’re important to us. I’ve found creating a daily gratitude practice to be the thing that’s helped me the most. Writing it out can certainly help too. xox
Writing it out always helps me 🙂
I think from my observations of you via IG and writing here too that it is your reaction now that is just coming out as you fought for sooooo bloody long to feel well physically. I say, continue to write about it and express your anger. It is not helpful though to compare ourselves to others (and I say this as someone who has had cancer…never sure whether to say has or had!) because this is my cancer and I cannot compare myself to someone who may be doing ‘better or worse.’ You are dealing with much more than many at your age/stage do and I think with an amazing amount of forbearance. Denyse Thank you for linking up for #lifethisweek 32/52. Next week: Mindfulness.
I did think of what you were saying recently, after the physical recovery comes the emotional adjustment kind of thing. I had some things going on at the same time as the physical recovery that were less than ideal.
I’m sorry this has been your life lately. 🙁
I’ve had lots of experiences with people who want to lash out at everyone else when something goes wrong in their life and blame it on you. It can be really upsetting. I’m glad that you don’t shy away from confrontation. Sometimes you’ve got to let people know that their behaviour is unacceptable.
Fingers crossed for better days ahead xx
I think it is already better days – just sometimes it all catches up at once and makes it feel more frustrating.