I am tired and cranky. I have had a few people be incredibly entitled to me in recent months and I’m only just realizing that I am angry about it. I am angry at them. I am hurt by them. I am hurt by their lack of understanding that their entitlement really hurt me.
My house, my body, my brain, my thoughts and my feelings are not yours to be entitled to.
I Am Angry
I don’t shy away from controversy. I’m not scared of confrontation. But I also don’t needlessly seek it out. I don’t like pointless drama. I don’t like confrontation, but that doesn’t mean I won’t confront someone.
I wonder that if I don’t seek out drama then I’m seen as a doormat. That if I’m not strongly pro or anti drama but I strike a healthy balance of caring for myself and calling out entitlement that I’m the unpredictable one.
(No, drama might not be the best word but it’s the word that popped into my head so I’m using it)
People don’t want you to choose what suits you. They really bloody don’t. They want you to choose what suits them and then they want it to be your fault when it doesn’t work out the way they wanted you to work it out.
We all do this to some degree. We all want things to work out the way we want them to. But a good person doesn’t blame someone else when our desire doesn’t happen. We look at why. How. Variables. Influences. Or just don’t lash out like a child.
Maybe I’ve had too many bad experiences with people lately and I just need to be patient and wait for more good ones to once again enter the balance. Patience isn’t my strong suit though.
I was trying to look things up to get insight and advice, or others thoughts on how to not just have to wait for shitty people to be unbalanced and replaced by good people. There were tips on doing positive things like walking and engaging in whatever your favorite past time is. I agree. These things are good. But they don’t really help the level of deep hurt I have right now. They’re barely a distraction.
It was only early this morning that I realized I truly am angry and the people who hurt me recently. In the weeks and months that this has been building, I was angry at other people. I was frustrated by travel bloggers. The visuals of freedom made me think if only I had that freedom to travel then I wouldn’t be hurt.
It’s classic, get angry at something unrelated. (And I didn’t express my anger at any travel bloggers, it was thought based, I didn’t troll anyone, it’s ok!) But until you know what you are actually angry at, of course you pick something weird. Because brains are weird.
I wanted an escape from time to get over this. That’s what I was trying to look up this morning. When I didn’t find what I wanted, I went onto Instagram and I saw this post.
*Sometimes everything just gets too much. *Sometimes you wish things were different. *Sometimes you realise you’ve lost so much of yourself that it’s not the same person staring back in the mirror. *Sometimes you just feel lost and don’t know who you are or where you are headed. *Sometimes you struggle to connect with this new version of yourself and yearn for the life you once had. *Sometimes you can’t help but feel alone even though you have a village surrounding you. *Sometimes you say you’re okay when really you aren’t, as you don’t want to burden anyone with the truth and it’s just simpler to say you’re fine. *Sometimes you can’t help but feel jealous seeing everyone living their lives and planning their futures and wishing you had that privilege of growing old with your husband. *Sometimes you can’t help but feel less than because you are an over achiever who puts too much pressure on yourself and you keep having these unrealistic goals and expectations of who you are or where you are wanting to go. *Sometimes you are just tired, tired of the pain, tired of seeing you hurting those around you, tired of arguing with the voices inside your head, tired of fighting to get through the day . *Sometimes you just need to cry it all out and that is okay, sometimes it is what you need to do to get through the day. *Sometimes you just hope that tomorrow is a better day. *sometimes it is too hard to see beyond tomorrow that you just take it one day at a time because that’s all you can handle. *sometimes you just start crying and the tears don’t stop. *sometimes you grieve for your life even before it is over. You grieve for the life that you’ll miss. You grieve for the memories you won’t be a part of. *sometimes you can’t just always have your shit together and “think positive thoughts”. *sometimes dying just sucks . . . #cancer #struggling #dyingat26 #justcryingitallout #migraines #badweek #misstheoldme
And while I don’t believe in competing about who has it worst (as I think we all need to acknowledge what we are feeling, big or small), I think it’s fair to say that not having time …well I can’t comprehend. I really can’t. I’m tired so I’m falling back on cliches, but Tayla is a good spirit. I can never remember how I find anyone on the internet, but I’ve loved following her. (And you can read an interview with here here.)
Does this mean I don’t feel tired and angry and all of the above? No. It means that I feel all those things, as well as grateful that I do have time to … let things change? Get over it? I don’t even know. I guess the curse of time is learning patience?
It’s ok to admit that you are angry. I don’t know the best way of processing it, or how long is a healthy vs “eating you up inside” length of time to feel it though. I guess that’s a patience thing too?
I think the weird frustration I felt at travel bloggers is actually an important step for me, as odd as it sounds! For so many years I was doing contract work and I felt like I was at the whim of others. Now that I have a permanent job (even when it’s far from what I want to be doing). I have the relative security of finding a way forward to the things I want in my life.
How much do I want to travel? What sort of travel? Do I want to travel alone or with my husband? What job do I want? Is it the job I want or the job location I want? Or both? I have the secure base to start looking at these things. I do feel I can choose now. But maybe I need to remind myself of that more often.