Ticking a task box
I recently completed a task I had been putting off all year so far. I think time turning to May shamed me a bit internally and while shame isn’t exactly an ideal motivator … that’s what did it this time.
The task was simple, it was just fixing up blog posts. Some copying and pasting, some adding of images (a breeze in Canva using my own templates) and some more copying and pasting so they were in my social media scheduling tool.
I don’t know why it took me so long. But I don’t get anything this year. It has been messy. Both in life changes and health ups and downs. Mostly downs. I feel like treading water has been getting a little harder each day and when it feels like there’s always SOMETHING in your way… it just feels too hard to do simple things.
But I don’t know if the why of finding things hard matters. Chronic conditions mess with you. They’re unpredictable. It’s like I still can’t emotionally accept that. I logically understand it but my brain slips back to “Well that’s not a reason”.
I’ve literally written a book called Fuck Should and while I am WAY better at ignoring shoulds than I used to be, shoulds are insidious little dickheads. I’ve written about why “SMART” goals suck for me.
I know all this stuff, and yet I don’t think I’ve accepted it. At least I wonder if acceptance is the reason why I fall back on mentally kicking myself.
I know that I need to set tasks based on my reality, set tasks on my ability, my situation, my fluctuations.
Why do I fall back into shame (no matter how mild in the grand scheme of things) when my reality change for the tenth time that week and I no longer get the chance to tick of a task box?
Why can’t my body let me do all the things my mind wants to?