We all know that home is where the heart is. Which is why we spend money on keeping up with the Joneses to make sure that we don’t look like the horrible, out of touch, untrendy person on our street. As we all know, being untrendy is a fate worse than death. Being the exceptionally helpful and trendy person that I am, I wanted to keep my loving readers up to date with the newest and best home fads. Because I really don’t want readers who are the losers on their street. Just saying…
(Fake) New Home Fads
You’d think that a bottomless pit would be something that you’d cover up, but in recent months, there has been chatter around the internet that bottomless pits actually add value to your home. It turns out that if you have ghosts and/or murderous creatures coming up out of your bottomless pit every day, it allows you to create a viral YouTube channel that is easily monetized. Your house will be “put on the map” (because apparently it wasn’t before) by people wanting to see the ghostly YouTube stars in person. The other extra benefit of this additional income is that you can now afford avocados. Just don’t throw the avocado pit down the bottomless pit, because a mixed ex-human/avocado ghost molester sounds kinda terrifying. (Unless you can pick free avocados off the monster, in which case, even more value.)
We all know that Vignettes are basically pornography for Instagram users. You know, that perfectly selected and placed collection of knick-knacks that don’t actually do anything? They get carefully photographed in studio lighting to make it look like your house is always as shiny and perfect as a disco ball? Well, the vignette is taking a foodie twist this season – introducing the vinaigrette. It’s a vignette of vinegar bottles. Preferably photographed in your pantry which has been immaculately organised with Tupperware. (Please note, we don’t “do” hippy shit around here so you will be disqualified from home ownership if your Tupperware has a lid colour other than black.)
Transparency is key in modern Australian society. It doesn’t matter if you’re a politician or a any other kind of welfare recipient, we want know how you are spending not only your money, but your entire life. Remember, neoliberal economic theory posits that most problems do not stem from social and/or systemic issues, but are your own fault. Obviously this public/private boundary is a hard one for the government to police, so they’ve been infiltrating the minds of those who make “master planned communities” to create the newest trend in house building – glass walls. The glass walls will finally break down that transparency and eliminate confusion – after all, if you can be seen while eliminating waste (I mean taking your rubbish out to the curb, you filthy minds) then what else is left to hide? We can all live in a blissful utopia together.
Bad back? Don’t like leaning forward and bending to wash those pesky, multiplying dishes? Simple. With the addition of some new anti-gravity technology that we stole from aliens at Area 51, we can now install sinks sideways. Yep, that’s right. Install a sink on your wall so that you can do the dishes without bending. However, we don’t supply a sideways draining dish, so please buy plastic dishes so you can just drop them onto the floor when they are clean. A tarp is recommended. (Not responsible for dirty dish washing drowning when the anti-gravity fails.)
What new home fad do you want to see?